The second week of school. I can feel the challenges ahead are drowning me. I am beginning to doubt my abilities. If there's a viagra made for increasing brain power, please give me one.
ok..work aside, I have been thinking thru certain issues lately. the feeling of entanglement into something that I don't have the power to change makes me all the more tired and drained, both physically and mentally. Its not that I don't want to do anything about it, its because I can't. Its as though my hands and legs are tied, my mouth taped.
I understand, you guys will ask me, why I let it drag on and on, doesn't it irritates me and the people around me? Well, it is indeed irritating. Blame it on my stubbornness and the unwillingness to give up on anything that i do. Just like what I did to my lappy the other day. My parents advised me not to tear it apart and repair by myself, but i went against them. After a few hours, I got my lappy fixed and now it is running in a condition as though i just bought it the day before. Yeah, I do trust my own intuition most of the time, but sometimes i get indecisive when i lack the confidence to handle things and go around asking for advices. He tells me I am wrong, she says I am right, they laugh at me as though i am some laughing stock. So, what am i supposed to do? Perhaps, its my confidence tricking me.
I just need time to settle things down. My feelings hasn't changed at all, but the surrounding air is trying to change it. What I can do now is "relac-one-corner" and witness things to happen. Deep inside me, I am like waiting for a flower to bloom in winter. Yeah, I know I sound dumb, but thats me.
I have so much wanting to say, so much wanting to do, but is there room for me to do it? BUT, first, where do i even stand? or am i of any importance? or i am just nothing ever since the beginning?
On the other hand, i will continue to pray for an old friend of mine, and hope that her problems can be resolved, and hope she can get out of the hell she's in. She doesn't deserve all that she's suffering now. But, i believe, her wings will heal one day and she will be flying high like she used to be.
Thanks for listening to my craps and whines. I just want to say, this time, i m not driven by stubbornness, but been driven by what's inside me, that is, my true feelings.